This Thing Called Pain

When suffering knocks at your door and you say there is no seat for him, he tells you not to worry because he has brought his own stool. - Chinua Achebe

If you’ve been on planet earth for a bit, you’ve probably experienced it.

This thing we all hate, that we try really hard to avoid feeling.

This thing called Pain.

Yup, you’re probably familiar with it, too.

If you’re a normal, healthy human, you will have experienced pain at some point in your life.

There’s no way to avoid it.

Something doesn’t work out - hello, pain.

A relationship ends - hello, pain.

Someone we love gets sick or dies - hello, pain.

I’m sure you get the picture.

And what’s really mind-blowing and perhaps also incredibly obvious is that none of us is going to go through life without experiencing pain.

It is the cost of entry to being human.

Pain is the other side of the same coin as CARING: We hurt because we care. If we didn’t care, if we were simply robots going about our lives, we wouldn’t experience pain.

But we CARE: We care about people. We care about projects. We care about animals. We care about being loved, about belonging and acceptance.

And we will all inevitably face loss, rejection, disappointment, failure, gaps between where we are at and where we want to be.

And this stuff hurts.

So I wanted to share a very simple way of working with this natural pain of life.

This might be one of the favorite ‘tools’ of my clients in individual sessions.

It is based on an idea by Dr Steven Hayes, the founder of the approach I use, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).

He talks about Clean Pain vs Dirty Pain.

Clean Pain

Clean pain is the natural pain of life. it is the pain none of us can avoid that I mentioned above.

Dirty Pain

This pain is a little more optional. It is everything we layer on top of the natural pain of life.

Dirty pain is all of the ways our minds make this pain worse, by resisting it, fighting it, telling ourselves we shouldn’t be feeling this way or blaming ourselves or others.

We are all experts at dirty pain.

Our minds are really, really good at making clean pain so much worse.

Here’s how I see it, with an example of feeling sad about something as ‘clean pain’:

By dropping the struggle, we avoid additional suffering and enable clean pain to simply be there, rather than wasting energy struggling and making it much bigger.

According to brain researcher Jill Bolte Taylor, emotions last only 90 seconds IF we don’t resist them, if we don’t create a storyline around them and simply allow them to show up and hang out.

In other words, the more we can stay with the clean pain of life, the more quickly it tends to pass through - and the less pain we are adding on to it.

When we stay with the clean pain:

• We don’t waste time and energy fighting or avoiding our emotions.

• We don’t add any pain to what we are already feeling.

• We still experience pain but it feels more ‘clean’, more manageable.

Instead of making things worse by adding dirty pain where:

• Our emotions are stuck and feel much ‘bigger’.

• We waste a huge amount of time and energy struggling with them.

• We beat ourselves up instead of recognising that pain is a normal part of life.

Dropping the struggle

There is no right or wrong way of doing this - or any real recipe for it, but here’s something you can try next time you experience pain:

Instead of fighting it, telling yourself you should feel something different, or that you should be over something by now:

STOP.

Notice your mind starting to go into dirty pain.

Take a deep breath + give yourself permission to simply allow whatever pain is showing up to be there by dropping the struggle and telling yourself something like: It’s OK to feel this way.

“The best way out is always through.” - Robert Frost

The World Ain’t Straight

“The world ain't straight. You grow up thinking things are a certain way. You think there are rules. You think there's a way that things have to be. You try to live straight. But the world doesn't care about your rules, or what you believe. The world ain't straight, Vivian. Never will be. Our rules, they don't mean a thing. The world just happens to you sometimes, is what I think. And people just gotta keep moving through it, best they can.”  - Elizabeth Gilbert, City of Girls 

I just finished Elizabeth Gilbert’s amazing new book, City of Girls. And the passage above about ‘the world ain’t straight’ shook me. It isn’t and yet, so often we expect it to be. We expect ourselves to be. We expect life to be. We expect others to be. 

And these expectations lead to disappointment. 

They lead to frustration. To resistance. To a sense of ‘this is not how things should be’. 

And yet, as adults, the world doesn’t owe us anything.

Just because we make an effort and try hard doesn’t mean the world owes us the result we want. There is never any guarantee. The world ain’t straight. 

This doesn’t mean that we need to just give up and stop trying - we still make an effort, but without the entitled expectation that just because I am putting myself out there, this has to work.

Just because we are good people doesn’t mean difficult things won’t happen to us all at some point. Simply being human means that we WILL face loss and hardship and heartbreak - guaranteed. 

Just because we have done everything ‘right’ (whatever that means) doesn’t mean that things won’t go very wrong and out of our control at some point.

It is the cost of entry into this human life. 

And perhaps instead of expecting the world to be ‘straight’, we can learn to open up to a non-straight world: 

Accepting that some people will like us and others won’t and that neither defines our worthiness as people nor have so much to do with us anyway. 

That instead of trying so hard to be nice and doing the ‘right thing’, we can choose to do what really matters to us, even when this is means being tough or making difficult choices. 

That everything always changes. Nothing lasts forever, both pleasure and pain - and that the less we resist this, the more flowing life feels. 

That there is gain and loss whatever path we choose. In every path or choice we say yes to, we are also saying no to something else and that this is inevitable.

And that no choice is really ever final anyway - if it doesn’t work out we can always make another choice. 

And perhaps moving through a non-straight world can look like: 

Changing the things we CAN change: Our choices, actions and reactions.

Letting go of what we cannot fully control: Whether or not something we are doing works out, needing to please other people or make them happy, other people’s actions or choices, bigger things like politics, corporate policy, traffic or the weather.

And through it all, in this twisted, non-straight world, to keep moving towards what truly matters to us - our values - in both big and small ways - to strive to live a meaningful life despite the twists and turns.

Life is a choice. The choice here is not about whether or not to have pain. it is whether or not to live a valued, meaningful life. - Steven Hayes

We Contain Multitudes

Do I contradict myself? Very well then - I am large, I contain multitudes. - Walt Whitman

I want to share an idea about being human that can make a big difference in how we relate to ourselves and others.

The idea is that we are not one uniform ‘me’ - as many of us like to think - but that we are made up of a multitude of ‘parts’ or ‘selves’. 

As one of my favorite authors, Elizabeth Gilbert, expresses it: 

We each have brave parts of ourselves, and terrified parts, and ashamed parts, and stubborn parts, and hopeful parts, and cynical parts, and ambitious parts, and self-destructive parts…and all of them have a voice (and all of them USE that voice).

The way I see this is that we each have our own internal village and this village is made up of different villagers who make us who we are.

This multitude of villagers is what makes us the unique, complex and sometimes very confusing humans we are. 

Let’s look into what happens around making a decision. 

One villager could be very vocal about the need for security. This villager wants to make sure our internal village has consistency, safety, stability. This villager will be very vocal about options that allow for these needs to be met and will favor what is already known. 

And while most of us have a need for security and stability, we also often have another villager who is all about variety, surprise, newness. This villager will be attracted to options that allow for a sense of adventure and will be attracted to the unknown. 

Just to make things more complicated, perhaps another villager steps in and wants to take the more conventional option, to make sure we fit in - and this sets off another villager who DOESN’T want to conform, who just wants to be free - maybe even to rebel. 

This dynamic - the fact that we have all these different parts of villagers in our internal village and that they are all so vocal - is behind much of our behavior.

Hello, indecision. 

Hello, stuckness. 

Hello, self-sabotage. 

Hello, confusion.  

These seemingly contradictory parts - the cacophony of villagers we all have - does not mean there is anything wrong with us. 

It simply means we are human. 

Here is the tricky part though: Each of the villagers thinks they know what is best for us - that they are protecting or motivating us in some way, even when this looks self-destructive. 

Often a villager showed up at a time in our lives when they were needed, when we were young and needed to adapt to the the environment in which we grew up. For example, if we had a parent who was very critical, we might have a People Pleasing Villager who evolved to shield us from further pain by trying to please our parent and avoid criticism in this way. 

These sort of ‘adaptations’ enabled us to survive situations when we were young and they often explain why we react the way we do, even when this feels like self-sabotage or ‘I should know better’. 

It’s because that particular villager hasn’t gotten the memo that we are now adults and no longer need them to take over the village to protect us.

And yet, we cannot ignore these villagers. All the villagers are here to stay and we need to learn to get along with all of them, without necessarily allowing them to take over. 

Other villagers are there as part of how we evolved as humans - with needs and motives that are sometimes tricky for our modern world.

So with all these villagers who want different things for us - what do we do? 

A very simple yet effective way to start working with our villagers is to simply notice and name the different villagers - to see what we are feeling or wanting as one part of us - but not ALL of us.

Once we start acknowledging the different parts of ourselves, we can communicate this to ourselves and others.

Being able to acknowledge and even name these villagers in our communication can make a huge difference - for example: 

A part of me is really angry at you right now - and another part of me also understands your point of view. 

A part of me really wants to do this and another part of me is really scared.

We can hold different parts of ourselves - different emotions or needs or points of view - all at the same time. 

Being an adult means being able to hold several realities at the same time: We can be both angry AND sad AND grateful AND anxious about something all at the same time. There is even a nifty word for this: Emodiversity - and this has been shown to be linked to better psychological health. 

So next time you feel stuck, or confused or want to communicate something seemingly contradictory to someone, try breaking it down into parts and simply notice what this is like.

When we no longer expect ourselves to feel only one thing and realise that it’s OK and even normal to feel a full range of seemingly contradictory emotions or needs or desires, we can respond to ourselves and others in a much more nuanced way.

Part 2: Hello, Village Chief(ess)

2018 in Review: Break-up, Break-in and Break-through

I will remember 2018 as a year of building and also of tearing down, of learning to trust myself beyond what I thought possible through both a break-up and a break-in (more in a bit). 

Work-wise

I really prioritised building my practise this year, to the extent that that only holidays I took were to visit my family in Jordan at Easter and Christmas and a long weekend with friends. I feel immensely privileged to be doing this work, to sit with fellow humans in their most intimate and vulnerable moments.

I feel I have found a good balance in splitting my time between sessions in both my old home of Geneva and my new home of Lausanne. I now have about half my clients in each city.

Two of the rooms at Lausanne Therapy Space (photo creds: Hannah Shan Photography)

In November we celebrated our one year anniversary at Lausanne Therapy Space. I feel very fortunate to work with the women in this space, and am still in love with everything about it from the room design by Sofia Clara to Momo who sells (delicious) crêpes at the entrance of the building and always brightens my day! 

The Lausanne Therapy Space Team from left to right: Hiba, Teresa, Carey, Tania and Julianna

Visibility

My word of the year was VISIBILITY because I wanted visibility over my finances, insurance and administration. This was something I had never really taken responsibility for when I was married and being on my own and also independent work-wise, this filled me with anxiety and dread.

I am now at the point where I enjoy (!!) accounting thanks to the accounting system I am using (Wave) and I have even come to realize that this stuff is also a form of self-care, that being able to have my own back financially and administratively is just as important as eating healthy or going to yoga.

Lots of events

VISIBILITY was also about putting myself out there despite the doubts and anxiety that are always there when running workshops and events. 

This year, I launched some new topics that I am really excited about:

I held a workshop for men with Aernout and we had a wonderful group of seven men who were all eager to learn and share. 

This led me to hear about Carl who has a men’s peer to peer support group in both Lausanne and Geneva called Blokes and Black Dogs.

I also co-led a Yoga + Psychology Urban Retreat around building confidence with my friend and yoga teacher Ludmila. 

I held a new workshop in the summer on relationships patterns based on attachment theory and a corporate talk on stress for the first time, which I tackled from quite an unusual angle which I hope to share more widely in 2019.

I also explored the topic of trust / self-trust and intuition for the first time in the framework of my Becoming Wiser Workshop Trilogy while updating some existing topics - my staples around boundaries, emotions and connection. 

Blogging

My favorite blog posts this year came from personal experience. The first came from visiting my 90 year old adopted aunt and being moved by her life wisdom in the face of difficulty and loss. The idea that life is meant to mark you touched me deeply, and I very much resonate with this quote I used at the beginning of the blog post:

“I don't want to die without any scars.” - Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

The other came from spending a long weekend with two of my close friends who are also at the end of their 30’s. We spent a lot of time talking about the paradox of this life stage and the questions we were asking, which became this blog post. 

I also wrote a blog post on boundaries with diagrams as I realize this is one of the topics I refer to most often in individual sessions - and it has become a post that clients tell me they share with their family members who don’t respect their boundaries!

Hello, Body

This year saw a focus on the body, and integrating body and mind in working with people and in my own training as a psychologist.

I completed Level 1 training in Sensorimotor Psychotherapy which aims at integrating the body in therapy, particular in working with trauma which is often stored in the body. 

I also found myself working and exploring the emotional interplay with physical issues such as PMS / PMDD, digestive issues or chronic pain. 

I am working more and more with other practitioners such as acupuncturists, nutritional therapists or yoga teachers, particularly in clients with burnout.

I changed therapy supervisors and have been working with someone who has a more body based approach which is very helpful for my own growth as a therapist.

I am also continuing my own therapy and I found someone in Lausanne who I see every 2-3 weeks. I find that having this space for myself has been incredible, simply to check in with someone and take stock of how I am doing.

I also needed to amp up my own self-care. While last year I felt I was still in survival mode post separation / divorce, this year I realised I needed to more seriously take care of myself, especially since I wasn’t relying as much as in the past on holidays or travel to recharge and I often work late nights and early mornings.

I rediscovered dancing and started taking Nia dance classes again, going to yoga and even doing 2-3 hour intensive workshops with teachers like Nico Luce. I also saw self-care in ways of organising my time, what I was saying yes and no to. I am very grateful that my health this year was great, despite still being quite relaxed around food - I am particularly grateful for this after being constantly sick the previous year. 

A break-in and a break-up

Following my divorce, I had a mental list in my head of ‘stuff I wouldn’t be able to handle on my own’ because it didn’t believe I was strong enough without a man (I know this sounds terrible). 

On the top of that list was for my apartment, which had become my safe haven, to be robbed. Ironically, it seems like Life wanted to show me I actually could handle it, and in March my apartment was broken into. I learned that I actually could handle all of it, from the clean-up to dealing with the police, and feeling safe again in my own home. 

Also on that mental list was ‘I couldn't deal with another break-up’ and I also went through this this year. I was able to let get of a relationship that was no longer working for me even if we had a great connection on many levels. 

It was a difficult decision, and yet there is also great strength in walking away from that which no longer works. I honestly believe that everyone wins when we do this, even if in the short term it is often painful and messy. 

After the break-up, I went through several months of isolation, of withdrawal. I took this time to fully be on my own, and this quote from Osho really spoke to me during this phase: 

The capacity to be alone is the capacity to love. It may look paradoxical to you, but it's not. It is an existential truth: only those people who are capable of being alone are capable of love, of sharing, of going into the deepest core of another person--without possessing the other, without becoming dependent on the other, without reducing the other to a thing, and without becoming addicted to the other. They allow the other absolute freedom, because they know that if the other leaves, they will be as happy as they are now. Their happiness cannot be taken by the other, because it is not given by the other. - Osho

Where to next

2018 was a year of making things happen, of structure, of building, tearing down, consolidating. 

I feel like I now have a foundation and I can relax into this structure and allow more flow in my life.

In 2019, I want to move more from a place of trust, intuition and flow.

I want to listen to myself and my needs in the moment - while trusting that whatever happens, I’ll handle it - that I can take risks and do new things and face failure, and still be OK.

Through both the break-in and break-up this year, I had the break-through that there is so much in life that we cannot predict or control, and that instead we can trust ourselves to be able to handle whatever life brings.

This was the break-through I had in 2018 and I really want to embrace it in 2019.

I want to embrace the mystery of life instead of over-planning or overbooking or trying to control things.

Because mystery or the unknown will always be a part of life.

So I want to welcome the unknown that inevitably comes from stepping out of our comfort zone, that inevitably comes at the start of any new endeavor, be it a new project or a new relationship. 

My word for 2019 is MYSTERY.

I want to dance more, to explore more, to go deeper, to open my heart more. I want to trust that even if I open my heart and get hurt, I will still be OK.

Like, my 90 year old aunt, Lydia, I want to be marked by life. I want to be fully alive. I want to fully love. And I want to be open to change and whatever life brings.

Thank you for being a part of my 2018!

Here’s to a 2019 filled with growth and wisdom and embracing the mystery of life, while trusting ourselves to handle whatever life brings - be it a break-up, a break-in or a break-through!

Two things make life easier: Having a good relationship with your intuition and not being afraid of change. - Yung Pueblo

Technology for Self-Care

I find that really small steps can make a big difference in how we feel and how we react to the people around us, particularly during the holiday season.

This might even be a good time to try something new, starting with a tiny step that is easy to achieve and working up from there.

I want to share some of my favorite ways of taking care of myself with the help of technology.

Movement

I am currently visiting my family in Amman and I try to do at least one circuit of the Full Body workout in this seven minute high intensity interval training (HIIT) free app called Seven which you can get on iTunes or Google Play. All you need is a chair and preferably a mat but you can also do it on a carpet. Seven minutes doesn’t seem like much but the intensity of it makes me feel like it is better than nothing, and because it is so short, it is hard to justify not having time to do it.

You might want to start with this video version that has great explantations before moving to the app.

Several of my clients have told me how much they like doing Yoga With Adriene - you can find her YouTube channel here and she is also great if you are just starting yoga or can’t get to a studio.

Finding a yoga or pilates or other type of class where you are travelling is a great way to feel like a local while doing something for yourself.

The most important thing when it comes to physical self-care is not to fall into an all or nothing trap. Even just a little movement or stretching can make a difference.

Turning within

Taking even just 3 minutes to turn within through meditation or breathing can make a big difference when we are surrounded by people all day.

One of my favorite apps for meditation is Calm. You can download a free trial here and even if you don’t get the paid version after the trial, there is still a lot that is available for free. I especially like the Loving Kindness Meditations (even just 3 minutes on certain days), and often use the Body Scan and Sleep Stories when I have a hard time falling asleep.

My favorite breathing app is Breathing Zone which you can find on iTunes or Google Play. You can simply focus on breathing in and out with the guidance of a voice and/or image.

The most important thing is to notice how you feel. Does 3 minutes of meditation or breathing already make a little difference? From there, you can easily build up to 5 or 10 minutes, and then go back to 3 minutes on days when there is less time.

Boundaries

Obviously, for me boundaries are important any time of year, and this is also a time of year when they might come in handy, especially with family.

I really like this text by Daniell Koepke on Instagram which acts as a reminder that it’s OK to upset others if it means taking care of ourselves.

At the end of the day, you belong to yourself. Other people might push and pull and try to convince you to renegotiate your needs. And in those moments, maintaining your boundaries can feel like guilt and shame and selfishness — but there is nothing shameful or selfish but enacting self-care. You don’t owe it to anyone to abandon the things you need to cope and survive. You come first. Their anger and sadness might feel uncomfortable, but not as uncomfortable as existing under terms that jeopardize your wellbeing. They can yell and cry. They can feel angry — and those feelings are valid — but that doesn’t discount the importance of your needs. You belong to yourself. Not to your family. Not to your friends. Not to lovers or peers or acquaintances. You belong to yourself, and if you don’t protect your space and energy, no one else will. - Daniell Koepke

Reaching out

This is one of the loneliest times of year and I want to urge you to reach out to others if you are feeling lonely. Don’t isolate or wallow in self-pity. Other people are probably feeling the same way, and what if you could be the person to reach out to someone who is lonely?

if you are alone this season, or traveling somewhere where you don’t know anyone, what about trying meetup or Bumble BFF where you can meet liked-minded people around you?

If you know someone who is grieving or alone this season - reach out to them. So often we avoid these moments because we are afraid we won’t know what to say or that a text message is not enough, yet even a short message saying you are thinking of them can make a difference.

Disconnecting to connect

I love how when technology is used well, it can allow us to take better care of ourselves or to reach out and meet or connect with others.

I can also appreciate that there are moments when we need to disconnect to connect, and those are the moments to put away the phone and really be present with people.

For me, the gift of presence is the greatest gift we can give both ourselves and others - and sometimes technology can help us do that, while other times it can get in the way.

What is Your Connection Strategy

Connection is a fundamental human need.

As children, we need connection / attachment in order for our needs to be met - to survive in the world. As adults we still need connection - no longer necessarily for our physical survival but because we evolved as social beings and we cannot thrive without relationship.

Because the need for connection / attachment is paramount to survival when we are younger, we learned ways of connecting with others, of getting attention or validation - of being in relationship to others.

I call this our ‘connection strategy’.

This is not something we actively chose, but an adaptation which was the best we could do at the time to maximise connection / attachment - even if this meant sacrificing or ignoring other needs we have like authenticity or integrity.

If our parents allowed us to have our own needs, desires, emotions, and were able to provide appreciation, attention, affection, acceptance and allowing (David Richo’s Five A’s of relating in his book How to Be an Adult in Love), we are probably able to connect with others in a healthy way, equal to equal, where we can balance our own needs and those of the other person.

Healthy connection means staying in our own internal village with solid enough boundaries while also opening up to connection. We probably have a healthy sense of trust and discernment and know when and how much to open to connection and when to walk away or put a boundary.

This is not always the case unfortunately, and many of us learned to sacrifice our own needs to be in connection with others, weakening our own boundaries in order to connect with others. Alternatively, we may have learned to cut ourselves off from connection to protect ourselves, leading to boundaries that are too solid. Often, we swing from one extreme to the other. 

As adults, we can now bring awareness to this behavior and change it if it is no longer working for us but it is important to go about this gently and with compassion. There is always a good reason why we do what we do - it made sense at some point in our life.

Below are three common ‘connection strategies’ I see in my work with clients. We may have several styles depending on the context we are in and who were are interacting with.

When connection = caretaking

In this connection strategy, connecting with others means taking care of them and putting their needs before one’s own needs.

This may have come from having a parent who ‘parentified’ the child - putting the child in the inappropriate role of confidant, caretaker or mediator in the parents’ relationship.

Or maybe the child was expected to take care of a sick, needy or younger family member - was expected to be the ‘responsible’ one, the grown-up in the family.

Growing up in this context makes relationships feel like constant work - these are often people who seem to be carrying a burden of responsibility.

They come across as capable and strong, yet connection is not one between equals but of care taking, fixing, being there for others - of being the strong one.

At the same time, care taking can act almost like a shield, keeping people at a distance while still connecting with them in a safe, controlled way. Vulnerability is avoided in an attempt to help / take care of / fix the other person.

This connection strategy often leads to periods of burnout, withdrawal, isolation as giving without receiving is a recipe for depletion.

This connection strategy can be summed up as: I give you what I think you need in order to be in connection with you.

When connection = people pleasing

In this connection strategy, connecting with others is about trying to please them, often at the expense of one’s own needs or authenticity.

This is a style that was often learned with parents who were quite strict, distant, unpredictable or critical.

People pleasing can look very different - it can vary from being the nice guy / girl, being perfectionistic to being the clown or a chameleon.

Robin Williams once mentioned in an interview that he learned to be funny because it was the most effective way to get his distant mother’s attention.

It can also be a way of trying to appease a punishing / critical / unpredictable parent by trying to be perfect, by trying to predict what they want or need before they can explode.

This connection strategy is about adapting to what they think the person / group across from them needs - almost like a shape shifter. They often come across as easy, charming people who are often super sensitive to other people’s facial expressions or the energy in the room.

With this connection strategy, it can seem easy to connect with others, yet this connection is often about adapting and sacrificing a sense of self rather than a connection of equal to equal.

This connection strategy often leads to confusion, anxiety, loss of identity, depression, feeling inauthentic or fake. In romantic relationships, these are often people who are very good at initially being the perfect partner because they are so good at knowing what others need - but then there is a brutal rupture and they disappear or ghost you.

This connection strategy can be summed up as: I become the person I think you want me to be in order to be in connection with you.

When connection = neediness / pity

In this connection strategy, connecting with others is about allowing them to take care of you.

This is a common pattern in environments where the child was overprotected, controlled or sheltered. The child learns they are not capable of getting by on their own and that connection is based on others taking care of you or telling you what to do.

As adults, this connection strategy is about being needy, vulnerable, child-like. They learn that there are people who get a sense of validation from taking care of them (hello, caretakers!), that they can get what they want by stroking other people’s egos, making them feel superior to them or putting them on a pedestal.

They often come across as needy, yet charming, knowing how to flatter others, or put themselves underneath them in order to connect with them.

This connection strategy may also use pity and a victim like position to get people to take care of them or do what they want. This works very well as pity is one of the most powerful motivators.

Here also, connection is not one of equal to equal but one where vulnerability is used in an attempt to get help / care / connect with others.

This connection strategy often leads to anxiety, anger at self, insecurity, staying in abusive relationships.

This connection strategy can be summed up as: I allow you to take care of me or see me as beneath you in order to be in connection with you.

This might look or sound like manipulation

But it isn’t. Most of the time, we are not aware of these strategies. They are simply the learned responses we have - we are on autopilot so to speak.

Even if a behavior is no longer working for us, it is not ‘wrong’ - it is an adaptation we learned at a time when it made sense, like a survival strategy helping us make the best of the relationships we had in the past.

If you recognise yourself in one or more of these connection strategies, the first thing to do is stop the autopilot by bringing awareness to your actions.

Also bring a sense of validation that it makes sense that you learned this behavior, given the context in which you grew-up AND that you no longer need to connect with people in this way, that it is now safe to interact with them from a more authentic place.

“I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.” “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.” - Maya Angelou