Everything is My Fault
“We can actually reconstruct our past by examining what we think, say, feel, expect, believe, and do in an intimate relationship now.” - David Richo, When the Past is Present
It’s my fault. I’m to blame. Feelings of guilt or shame. Feeling overly responsible for everything. Feeling like doing what I want hurts others and / or leads to them rejecting me.
If this feels familiar to you, perhaps you grew up in a family where you had to unfairly carry a parent’s emotions, needs or expectations.
One of the roles of the caregivers is to help the child get to know their own internal village of thoughts, emotions, needs. This allows them to feel they are separate individuals, that they are allowed to have their own emotions, needs and desires and that they are not responsible for their parent’s well-being - their emotions needs and desires.
This ideal scenario can sometimes get distorted, and one of the most common ways this happens is when the child is made to feel overly responsible for what is happening in one or both of the parents’ villages.
This injustice can happen in overt ways by a parent who says / does things like:
It’s your fault I’m upset.
I’ve made all these sacrifices for you, you’re so ungrateful!
Shame on you!
You’ve made mum angry again, you’re a bad child!
If you don’t do this, I’ll be sad / disappointed
If you loved me, you would…
Being scapegoated.
And it can also be a lot more subtle, not so much in what is said, but in what is felt and concluded on an unconscious level by an often sensitive child:
When I do something I want to do that mum doesn’t approve of, she looks angry / sad / disappointed.
I can’t disappoint mum the way dad does.
Dad looks so proud when I do what he expects of me! I need to suppress my own desires and do what he wants of me.
Everything is so tense all the time, I should be able to fix things!
Mum is so fragile I am afraid she will break if I express my needs or emotions. I must become needless.
attachment vs individuality
We have a strong biological drive for attachment, in the same way all mammals do. A child knows on a deep primal level that they cannot survive on their own, without their caregivers to meet their (physical) needs.
Yet we also have a need to be our own person, to inhabit our own village: this is the need for individuality, authenticity, a sense of self.
If both aren’t possible, if a child doesn’t feel they can be themselves and still be cared for, then attachment always wins because it is about survival. Individuality / authenticity is suppressed in order for the child to adapt to the caretaker and stay in attachment.
Until about the age of about 10, children tend to blame themselves for any forms of mistreatment or injustice that happens to them because it is inconceivable for them to blame the people they rely on for their physical survival.
I must have done something wrong. It must be my fault. I am a horrible person. I am not enough.
It’s my fault becomes the default.
this spills into adulthood
Experiencing situations like this creates a distorted view of reality, where as adults we feel overly responsible for other people’s villages - and are particularly sensitive about our ‘impact’ on them, fearing our choices might harm others.
This dynamic spills over into adult relationships, as our ‘blueprint’ for what to expect from relationships has been formed from childhood.
It leads to adults who feel they are doing something wrong by doing what is best for them, especially if it goes against others’ expectations of them.
It leads to adults who sacrifice their own needs to take care of others.
It leads to adults constantly apologising for everything, whether or not it is actually their fault.
It leads to adults who dare not take risks or try new things because they might be blamed for failing - or blame themselves (that parent is now an inner critic).
It leads to adults who feel too powerful in some ways: Who feel they have the power to ‘destroy’ someone with their choices or emotions, because this is what they experienced growing up.
At the same time, they may feel powerless to state their needs because they believe that doing what’s best for me hurts others, disappoints them, infuriates them and then I am no longer safe or I feel even worse.
It leads to adults who feel overly responsible for others and will put up with unacceptable behavior because they ‘should’ be able to fix others or take care of them. This is often a pattern in abusive / manipulative relationships.
It leads to adults who are afraid of commitment because they feel that the impact they have on others could be harmful, or have learned that relationships = manipulation.
It leads to adults who try really hard to be beyond reproach, to be a good person and do the right thing because deep down they believe there must be something wrong with them or they must be bad if their parents blamed them. This often means holding themselves at impossibly high standards.
Above all, it leads to a constant sense of guilt, of doing something wrong when doing what is actually right for us.
healthy guilt vs leftover guilt
If you can relate to some of this, it’s important to recognise that it probably makes sense given what you experienced growing up that this feeling of responsibility is there, and that you may often feel leftover guilt, especially when you do what you think is best for you.
It is important to recognise that this is not the same as healthy guilt. Healthy Guilt is the internal police of the village that signals to us that we have done something that is not in line with our values.
Leftover guilt is the feeling of betraying or hurting our parents by doing what is best for us.
A good reality check when feeling guilt is to ask: Am I actually doing something wrong here (for example, by stating my needs, saying no, disappointing someone)? What would I say to a friend?
Unfortunately, Leftover Guilt is not going anywhere, even once we are aware of where it comes from. It has become a default, like a well-worn path in the woods we have walked many, many times.
What we can learn to do instead is start to create a new path, by questioning Leftover Guilt, not taking it as The Truth About Us and no longer allow it to take over the village. We can learn to make decisions based on our values instead.
reality check: a few points
You are not doing anything wrong by doing what is best for you, even if other people don't get it or agree with you.
You can't change someone's else's behavior or make them happy by erasing yourself. You are entitled to your needs and emotions, even when others don't approve or understand them.
We do not have the power to ‘break’ others by simply standing up for ourselves or taking care of ourselves. If they ARE hurt by this, it’s OK. It’s not on you. They are adults and it is their responsibility to take care of their own emotions. You were never meant to carry this burden.
Sometimes others get hurt when we go after the things we want because they have specific exceptions of who we should be. Yet as an adult, only we can be the judge of our own experience. Their expectations and disappointment belong to them.
You are allowed to make mistakes: Life is a learning process.
Be kind to yourself the way you would be to a friend and give yourself time to heal. Choose to see the Leftover Guilt as a genius survival adaptation that allowed you to survive your childhood instead of something to get rid of (because that isn’t possible!).
Learn to become the accepting, loving parent to yourself that you didn’t feel you had as a child as you go through this process.
Getting to know your own village, perhaps for the first time, is not always an easy process, yet it is also growth-filled and fulfilling one.
Find out more:
Dr Gabor Maté has this excellent short video on choosing attachment over authenticity.
These books by Dr Lindsay Gibson