I Am No Longer Who I Once Was

“The hero’s journey always begins with the call. One way or another, a guide must come to say, 'Look, you’re in Sleepy Land. Wake. Come on a trip. There is a whole aspect of your consciousness, your being, that’s not been touched. So you’re at home here? Well, there’s not enough of you there.' And so it starts.” - Joseph Campbell

We know on some level that life happens in chapters, that change will be a part of our lives. Yet there are moments when it feels like everything has been overturned, that nothing makes sense anymore, and we are often left stunned.

Stunned by the upheaval, the questions, or even just the need for something to change we suddenly seem to be facing. How, what we worked so hard to build, no longer seems to matter as much. How that gnawing sense of dissatisfaction keeps telling us something that once worked for us, no longer does.

Or perhaps we wake up to a longing, a desire we had never fully been in contact with before but now feels urgent. We don’t recognise ourselves anymore - we may even act in ways that feels very unlike us. Our habitual way of dealing with things seem to have abandoned us.

Often but not always, these times come with a blow from the outside world: A break-up, a burn-out, a loss of some kind, falling in love or having an affair, a difficulty we must face - and with this comes the sinking realization:

I am no longer who I once was.

Hello, Life Transition. Hello, Crisis. Hello, Opportunity.

As the quote above suggests, these moments in life can be seen as awakenings. Awakening to parts of ourselves we did not know, or had never fully known. Awakening to what is no longer working for us. And maybe, further down the road, awakening to a life that feels more authentic.

When we are in these moments of life, it can feel excruciating and never-ending. Yet looking back there is often a sense of: That was awful, but it allowed me to get to where I am today.

And while the emotional turmoil during these times is very real - often intense anxiety, sleeplessness, depression, even suicidal thoughts - they are also a normal part of being a human who is alive to their own potential for growth.

In my work as a psychologist, and also now as an astrologer, I see several key moments when people come to therapy, and that seem more turbulent than others. These are key moments to navigate these very important questions which mostly center around re-examining and perhaps re-defining: Who am I and what do I want from life?

young adulthood: around 28 / 29

In astrology, this is a very important time when the planet Saturn has made a full turn around the Sun and is back at the same place as when we were born: The Saturn Return.

The Swiss psychiatrist, Carl Jung talks about how in the first half of life we establish ourselves as individuals. This is when we typically build our careers, start a family, buy property etc. At this stage of life, we are often influenced by family and society and doing things ‘right’, climbing the corporate ladder etc. Status and achievement matter.

Then we get to 28 / 29, and something seems to shift. This is often a time of growing up, of beginning to define ourselves on our own terms, beyond upbringing / society / culture. 

We are asked to get real about what we want in areas of life such as relationships, starting a family, where we live, career, health. Often, this can be a very turbulent, difficult time, with obstacles to overcome. Once we have come out of it, it feels like there is a before and after the 30 year old mark. Those people in their 20’s now seem so young!

midlife questions: around 36-50

When we arrive at the second half of our lives, things start shifting. We have done everything society told us to do, and yet may be starting to feel unsatisfied. Is this all there is to life? What have I worked so hard for? What do I really want?

Astrologically, this is also a very busy time, particularly around the late 30’s (Pluto square Pluto), 40/41 (Neptune square Neptune) and 44/45 (Uranus opposite Uranus).

All the efforts and achievements don’t seem to matter as much as they once did. 

Instead, there is often a search for something bigger than ourselves, for meaning. We want to feel like we matter beyond our status or performance. Life no longer feels unlimited and we can start wanting to leave behind us something of value. Often this is the start of a more spiritual quest, a search for the deeper significance of our human life.

But it often isn’t a gentle process. Instead, as astrologer Howard Sasportas writes, it is:

"a time for disassembling ourselves and then putting the pieces back together again but in a different way. Parts of our nature we haven’t integrated yet into our conscious awareness, and which we have been ignoring or not looking at, demand to be acknowledged and examined. Facing the conflicts and crises of this period increases the likelihood of a fulfilling second half of life.”

‘Disassembling ourselves’ can mean letting go of the armor we have learned to wear, the ways we have learned to please others, the ‘adaptations’ to getting our needs met we had to learn in the first half of life. Often, as children, we had to sacrifice authenticity for safety simply as a way of surviving and getting our needs met. We had no other choice. We learned to people please, to perform, to do what others expect of us, to diminish ourselves - whatever was needed to ensure attachment with our caregivers.

At midlife, this no longer works. We now yearn to be seen for who we really are. We crave real connection. A part of us wakes up and starts to whisper: what if my needs also matter? who am I when I am not just taking care of others? I want to live out loud! I want to be ME.

If you consider that we all contain multitudes - different villagers in our internal village that all want different things - the conflict comes when the parts of us that prioritised safety now start to collide with the parts of us that are starting to come out of the shadow and demanding a place in our internal village.

As Carl Jung wrote:

“…we cannot live the afternoons of life according to the programme of life’s morning for what was great in the morning will be little in the evening, and what in the morning was true will in the evening have become a lie.” 

All the ways we have learned we need to be in the world now feel inauthentic. Disingenuous. This can feel very confusing and destabilizing, almost like we are losing our ‘religion’, without yet having a new ‘religion’.

We know that we can no longer be the person we once were, like clothes that have grown too small or are simply outdated - yet we do not yet know who we are to become. We do not yet have new clothes - and even worse, have no idea what we want them to look like.

later life: as of 50

In particular around the ages of 50 (Chiron Return) and then again at around 58 / 59 (Second Saturn Return) according to astrology, this is a time of questioning one’s own role as an ‘elder’ or wise person of the community. 

It is a time of questioning what adjustments are needed to ensure this final part of life is meaningful. There is often a desire to impart knowledge and wisdom to the younger generations and to act as guiding lights for improving our world. Often, old wounds that have not been fully healed might also resurface during this time and this is an opportunity to work through them.

hanging out in the liminal space

The challenge in all these moments of life is: ‘I am no longer who I once was, and not yet who I am to become.’

Doesn’t being in this in-between state help make sense of the anxiety, depression, sleeplessness, confusion, panic we might be experiencing during these times?

One of the most important ways of navigating these times, is to accept them as a natural unfolding of life, as a part of what it means to be living a life we are awake to, and perhaps to use this opportunity to move with the changes that are asking to happen, rather than trying to resist them or avoid them or even avoid reflection. The one thing we can always do is not add on extra layers of pain and instead get curious about what these emotions are trying to tell us.

During these time, we are hanging out in a liminal space: An in-between space where we are not meant to stay but simply to pass through, like corridors or stairways that are necessary because they lead from one place to another. Liminal spaces are also often seen as a sacred space, where our old selves can fall apart, and something new and bigger is revealed - almost like a rite of passage.

Just because we are feeling this way right now does not mean we will stay here forever.

The most difficult part is accepting that we cannot yet know who are to become, yet need to let go of old identities and ways of being that are no longer working. We need to trust the process that is unfolding.

In this space, can we face what needs to be faced, let go, allow transitions to happen, shift our identity, make changes that are aligned with our unique path? While these times will never feel easy or enjoyable, perhaps viewing them as an awakening to something more aligned to our soul that we have yet to uncover can help us navigate them more serenely.

We are in the habit of imagining our lives to be linear, a long march from birth to death in which we mass our powers, only to surrender them again, all the while slowly losing our youthful beauty. This is a brutal untruth. Life meanders like a path through the woods. We have seasons when we flourish and seasons when the leaves fall from us, revealing our bare bones. Given time, they grow again. - Katherine May, Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times