Hello, Village Chief(ess)
In a previous blog post, I introduced the idea that we are made up of multitudes.
And I wanted to build on this because simply knowing we are made up of different parts without knowing how to work with them might seem confusing. With all these different villagers and their clumsy ways of trying to protect our internal village, how do we make decisions? How can we not feel torn or fragmented?
Are we that angry part that gets triggered in an argument and takes over? Are we the shame that shows up after the argument in response to the angry part? Or the loving part that was there just moments before the argument erupted?
The reality of being human is that we are all these parts - they are a part of us - and we are also bigger than them because no one villager or part of us defines who we are entirely.
Richard Schwartz of Internal Family Systems (IFS) compares our different parts to an orchestra made-up of many instruments. None of the instruments alone makes up the orchestra and yet each instrument contributes to the overall music.
In order to avoid chaos, we need the conductor to direct the orchestra in the same way our internal villages also need leadership.
Enter the Wise Village Chief (or Chiefess or Village Council if that feels more appropriate).
This is the part of us who is able to take a step back, take stock of the situation and make decisions that are in line with our values or integrity. This is where our innate wisdom lies.
The role of the Wise Village Chief(ess) is to:
Take a step back and notice and name all the different villagers showing up.
Listen to and validate the villagers who are showing up instead of trying to resist them or get rid of them, as we so often tend to do with annoying villagers. These parts of us do not show up randomly to make us feel bad - they are a response to what is happening or has happened in the past and are showing up for a good reason.
Just because we are listening to these different parts of us does not mean we have to do what they are telling us to do. Instead, we can choose what we do next based on what matters to us - making choices in line with our values instead of being triggered or allowing the ‘loudest’ villager to simply react to the situation without consideration.
For example, if we have an angry part that shows up, the role of the Wise Village Chief(ess) is first to notice and name their existence.
A part of me is angry
Oh hello, angry villager.
And then to listen to what this villager has to say. What makes this villager so angry? What do they see as their job description for the village? Sometimes, simply listening and validating this villager’s response can be very helpful:
‘It makes sense that a part of me is angry right now given what happened earlier.’
From this perspective, we are then able to choose our response to the situation by bringing in our values instead of allowing the noisy villagers to take over:
What kind of person do I want to be?
What really matters to me here?
How do I want to show up in this situation?
Looking back, what would I like to say that I stood for in this situation?
So we can FEEL anger and listen to what that part is telling us (punch them in the face!) and still choose to respond in a way that is in line with how we want to be as a person. So if standing up for myself is a value, I can calmly yet firmly tell the other person that their actions were not OK instead of punching them in the face or ignoring my anger and not reacting at all.
This is very different from what we tend to do, which is either let the villagers totally take over, and then maybe responding in a way that feels agressive or suppressing these parts of us with beliefs like: I shouldn’t be feeling this way, or I’m overreacting.
This approach is about normalising our reactions. What we are experiencing inside - in our internal village - is ALWAYS OK. What we are feeling is never wrong, disproportionate or over the top. We are always allowed to feel what we are feeling.
We do not fully choose the emotions or thoughts that show up inside of us, but what we get to choose is in how we react outside - in the physical world, with other people or in the choices we make.
The role of the Wise Village Chief(ess) is to notice, name, and validate these parts of us, and then choose how to respond in the external world - what to do next.
Through this process, we bring that moment of pause which Holocaust survivor and psychiatrist Viktor E. Frankl so famously talked about:
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.