2019 in Review: Being With What Is

I will remember 2019 as a tough and transformative year. For me, and also many of the people I worked with this year, it brought a no-bullshit, face the reality and grow-up sort of tough love energy with it.  

This year brought some letting go and questioning of deeply entrenched ways of operating in relationships, both with myself and others. Out of all this, I found beauty and love, and a more honest way of being with myself and the world around me. 

My word for 2019 was MYSTERY and unexpectedly, it is through embracing mystery that I have also began embracing reality more and more - and by doing this, uncovering a magic in the reality of what is.

Work-wise

I focused mostly on individual sessions, doing about 800 session throughout the year. I participated as a speaker in two events: One with Victoria Sardain’s Brunch Club which included yoga, a workshop on building healthy habits and brunch at Tibits and another as a guest speaker at a conversation on burnout held by the Organisation of Women in International Trade (OWIT). 

While I loved participating in both these events, I had no desire to organise my own events this year after the whirlwind of activities last year. 

At the end of June, I closed down my Geneva practise which I had had for about six years. This felt like a very difficult decision and it took me a while to make it, yet as soon as I had done it, it seemed to make sense on so many levels. I still have some Geneva clients who continue to either come in person or meet online, and I am touched and grateful for this loyalty. 

I attended an advanced self-compassion retreat for therapists in Thailand in February and the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) conference which was in Dublin in June. Even though I was told that Guinness tastes SO MUCH BETTER in Ireland, you can tell from my face I was not convinced!

Blog-wise, I only wrote a few posts this year, and this one inspired by an idea from Elizabeth Gilbert’s new novel, City of Girls, was the most read. 

It is based on a theme I worked on a lot with clients, around letting go of expectations:

The world ain't straight. You grow up thinking things are a certain way. You think there are rules. You think there's a way that things have to be. You try to live straight. But the world doesn't care about your rules, or what you believe. The world ain't straight, Vivian. Never will be. Our rules, they don't mean a thing. The world just happens to you sometimes, is what I think. And people just gotta keep moving through it, best they can. - Elizabeth Gilbert, City of Girls 

I also invested heavily in therapy supervision and my own therapy and feel immensely grateful for all the ways both my supervisor and therapist have helped me grow both as a human and as a human sitting with other humans. 

It makes me think of this quote by C.G. Jung: 

Know all the theories, master all the techniques, but as you touch a human soul be just another human soul.

Denial no more

One of the themes that came up for me in both supervision and my own therapy has been around the importance of being willing to be disappointed instead of trying to guard against it - by over-preparing, trying to be in control or not fully letting go or being vulnerable. 

I learned that disappointment and regret are simply a part of life and not a sign of failure and that we can learn from them and grow, instead of trying so hard to avoid them.

One of the first disappointments was right at the beginning of the year with a brief but intense and highly manipulative relationship. When this ended with the quintessentially modern dating experience of ‘ghosting’, I went through a period of thinking I should have known better, that I should have had better discernment as a psychologist. And yet, this experience was very humbling too, as it showed me that I was just human, and that I was prone to flattery and manipulation, like anyone else - even if I know on a theoretical level what to look out for.

It brought some deep questioning of my tendencies and I realised that I was not with the reality of who he was but who I wanted him to be - what I wanted to believe. Hello, self-deception.

This difficult realisation became the start of a more honest stance with myself, without the filter of self-deception, self-forcing, wishful thinking or denial.

And this started a whole new way of being that rippled into other areas of my life.

Being with what is

It is only when we have the courage to face things exactly as they are, without any sort of self-deception or illusion, that a light will develop out of events, by which the path to success may be recognized. - I Ching 

Continuing on the difficult path of stepping out of denial, I finally chose to confront the reality of the genetic kidney condition I am living with, a chronic disease which progressively decreases kidney function over time. 

I did an MRI for the first time in 10 years to monitor the progress of this disease. I shared the below on Facebook and Instagram:

While conventional medicine says there is no cure, I have nonetheless discovered some alternative approaches that involve strenuous diet and lifestyle changes to attempt to keep my current state of health for as long possible and I am slowly starting to put these into place. 

While this has been very difficult to face, it also feels more empowering to know I am doing what I can, and I am hopeful about what is in my power to change and more accepting of what isn’t.

Embracing Mystery 

Strangely enough, by being more willing to be with what is without filters, I was also able to embrace mystery - the unknown - a little more. 

The therapist I am currently working with has a Depth Psychology approach, and he also integrates astrology in a way that was completely mind-opening for me. 

I was never really interested in astrology or horoscopes, I barely knew what my sun sign was (Gemini!) and yet the birth chart reading I did with him was so revealing that I have since become curious about astrology as yet another way to understand humans. 

I am starting a training in astrology birth charts next month, and I am curious to see where this will take me. 

Allowing love to unfurl

The most incredible thing to happen this year was finding love when I least expected it. 

I was feeling kind of worn out, having been through the break-up of my marriage, and two other relationships in the past three years. I wasn’t really looking for anything specific when I met this man.

This wasn’t the intense, sparks flying, feeling on top of a cloud kind of relationship. It was more like a fern, slowly unfurling with time and the more we got to know each other. 

It has only been six months, yet so far this feels like a healthy foundation for a relationship, to slowly build trust and safety. 

I feel this is the first time I am fully with the reality of the person: I am willing to accept him exactly as he is, without needing him to change or ignoring certain aspects. Being with the reality of our relationship in this way is so much more relaxing and enjoyable!

As I faced my kidney disease, I also practised a level of openness and vulnerability I had never brought to a relationship. While a part of me was terrified, and expecting him to walk away when he knew all this, I took the risk and I am immensely grateful that this has brought us closer.

Where to next

I don't know where I'm going from here, but I promise it won't be boring. - David Bowie

To be honest, I am not sure where I want to go next. 

I want to stay open and curious to new ways of understanding humans. If there is something I learned this year, it is how not having specific expectations and being curious can lead us to places we didn’t even know existed. 

I also know I need to prioritise self-care even more radically.

For 2020, the word I am choosing is MAGIC.

Strangely enough, by embracing reality and being aware of all the ways I was operating under denial, life actually feels more magical.

This is a magic that feels grounded, that feels like what is truly there and yet we miss it when we are caught up in expectations, in denial or in trying to guard against disappointment. 

Magic doesn't sweep you away; it gathers you up into the body of the present moment so thoroughly that all your explanations fall away: the ordinary, in all its plain and simple outrageousness, begins to shine -- to become luminously, impossibly so. Every facet of the world is awake, and you within it. - David Abram

I want to discover the magic in the every day, a magic that comes from being fully with what is - even the hard stuff - and with who people really are, instead of burdening them with my expectations or wishes.

Thank you for being part of my 2019. Here’s to a 2020 filled with more growth and love and magic!

“And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it.”- Roald Dahl